Hello Friends
Today I have decided to share the story of my journey with depression. Although not an easy story to share, I feel that to contain it would be an injustice to the One who carried me through, and a letting down of those who could use the confidence and reassurance of one who has been there. I know that many of you will not be able to relate to the feelings that I will describe here - but I also know that some will feel as though I am looking into the very fiber of their being, and touching on the deepest darkest secrets of their reality.
Depression is a very ugly condition, and until I walked the road, I could never have comprehended the depths of this despair. However, I can say with confidence that there is hope for individuals that are struggling with this illness, and I hope that sharing my story, will speak into the heart of some soul that is longing for reprieve and offer the hope of light at the end of the darkest tunnel of their lives...
24 hrs after my son Riley was born, my life forever changed. I was tending to him, and preparing to lay down for the night when suddenly I began to feel extreme anxiety - to the point where I could no longer hold the baby and had to call for the nuse to come and get him. I spent the rest of that night rocking myself back and forth trying to overcome this fear that had gripped me with a force that I was unable to fight - it was one of the scariest moments of my life.
That night was the start of what led to a very deep and dark depression.
Something that I had never even imagined was possible. I had always thought that people who were depressed just simply couldn't deal with their problems and they needed to get over it. I soon learned that this was so far from the truth. I had many people tell me during that time that I simply needed to fight it and I would be better - but I couldn't fight it, because it was so much bigger than me.
For about two months I lived in constant fear and anxiety. I couldn't tend to my two children, I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, and I felt that no matter how hard I tried I was sinking deeper and deeper into a cold dark pit. I tried to explain it to my friends and family but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make them completely understand what I was going through - not because they didn't care but because unless you have been there you just cannot understand what it's like.
During that time, I cried out to God daily for deliverance from this awful place. I refused to take medication because I felt - and had had heard so many times - that starting a medication was like telling God that I didn't believe he had the power to take me out of this dark place. I did not want to have a "false sense of happiness" and although my family and closest friends supported me in my decision, it began to get to the point where they began to seriously fear for my health and well being.
For two months I carried on in this situation. I went to church every Sunday and believed with all of my heart that this would be the moment that he would take it from me, but yet in the night I would once again wake and shake for hours with the most extreme anxiety and fear. Not wanting to bother anyone, I would long for the daylight to come where there would at least be someone else awake to sit with me and bear me up in prayer. Some nights it was so bad that I did wake my husband, or call my parents or my pastor and beg them to pray for me. I can honestly say that the experience definitely brought me to a place where I was totally reliant upon God. I realized that I was unable to do anything on my own, and in my darkest moments - I felt his presence in a very real and powerful way. Always when I was at my darkest point I would have something happen - be it a phone call with a word of encouragement, a verse come to my mind , or a song that seemed to lay upon my heart that reminded me that God was near to my situation, he cared, and he was not going to leave me alone. I lived moment by moment on the strength that he was providing - yet I longed for this to be over.
My husband, at the time that this was happening, worked on a ship and would have to go away for two months at a time for work. The time came that he had to leave, and the panic just began to overtake me. I laid awake and literally shook through the first night that he was gone, then in the morning, I packed up my young family and went to my parents home so that I wouldn't be alone. While at their house, I began to sink deeper and deeper into the pit of my depression, until I resolved to myself that it was better for me to not be alive than to be living like this. I went for a walk alone that day, and in my irrational thinking, I stood on the rocks of a cliff and fought with everything that was in me not to jump. As much as I knew that this was the wrong thing to do - I also felt as if there was no other way out, and that my family and my children would be better off without me in the mess that I was currently in.
Somehow, I found the courage that day to walk away from that cliff - mainly because I felt that if I did what I was thinking to do, I would be letting down the people that loved me the most and they would be dissapointed in me - which I didn't want; and I knew that if I jumped I would spend an eternity in hell - which I still believed was even worse than the hell that I was currently living on earth. I believe it was only the grace of God that kept me from jumping that day. As I walked home, I battled within myself once again with the idea of starting medication. I didn't want to be faithless and give in when God was able to carry me through - but yet I knew that I couldn't carry on much longer in the mess that I was currently in.
When I got home that day, I knew that I was in a very scary place, and that I needed immediate deliverance. I called one of the ladies in my home church and asked her to alert the prayer team that there was a situation that needed desperate prayer. I didn't give her the details, and she didn't ask, but in a matter of a couple of hours, I felt that heaviness, and the desire to kill myself begin to lift, and I knew that God was intervening once again.
I'd like to say that at that moment I was instantly healed, but this was not the case. It seemed as though God was trying my faith, and proving to me that in every situation he was there with grace to bring me through. I was learning to be totally dependant on him to carry me through the situation.
Throughout this time, there were a few friends that I talked to and shared my most deepest darkest feelings. These dear friends prayed with me, believed with me, and cried out to God on my behalf when I didn't have the strength or the energy to do it myself. At the time, my best friend was living here in Fort McMurray, and knowing the awful place that I was in, she decided to come home for a few days to spend some time with me. This dear friend was also a nurse, and although she fully believed that God could take this depression from me - should he choose to, she also felt that I was at the place where medically I needed treatment for my current condition.
So my friend came to visit and she helped with the baby, she played with my two year old, she listened to my fears, she talked with my husband, she wrapped her arms around me during my panic attacks holding me so tightly that I was physically unable to shake - she literally did everything that she could possibly do to alleviate some of the strain of our situation. Then on the last day that she was with me, we went for a drive. I was so upset - and shared my frustration and exhaustion with having been living this nightmare for two months straight. I expressed my lack of understanding of why God was choosing not to take this from me when I was crying out with everything that was in me, and believing and waiting on him to do it. Knowing that she had little time left with me before going back home, my dear friend voiced the words that had been laying so strongly on her heart in the past two weeks since she had been with me. In that moment she looked at me and said "Tammy, as your friend I can totally understand why you have not gotten treatment for this, but as a nurse, I strongly believe that you need medication". She then went on to talk with me about the fact that if I had been dealing with a heart condition, or diabetes, I would have long since gotten treatment for my illness, and that in this situation it was no different. I was sick, and this sickness was totally debilitating not only myself but my family as well. She urged me to consider the fact that starting medication was not telling God that I didn't believe he was able to deliver me, it was admiting that I had an illness and the same God that made provision for the discovery of insulin also gave the medical wisdom for the invention of antidepressants. My God did not require that I suffer any longer when there were things out there that could help me be the person that I truly was, and enjoy the beautiful children that he had blessed me with.
I am so thankful for my friend's courage that day to speak the words to me that I did not want to hear, but so desperately needed. The next day I went and filled the prescription that my doctor had given me a month before but I had refused to take, and in a short time I began to feel better. It was as if the darkness was beginning to fade away, then suddenly one day I woke up and noticed that the sun was shining - and I realized that I hadn't noticed the sun in a very long time. At that moment, I realized that I had not given up on God or submitted to my weakness or failure by accepting treatment for my condition - I was simply accepting the provision that was made available for me through the miraculous invention of medicine.
I'll never know exactly why God chose not to give me immediate deliverance from my depression. But I believe in my heart, that it was to bring a message to people in this world who have too long believed that seeking treatment for this illness is admitting a lack of faith in God's delivering power. I also know that had I been immediately healed, I would not have learned to lean on him in the way that I did when the darkness was overwhelming me and there was no other place to look but up to him for the strength to get me through the moment.
As a nurse, I am aware that illnesses such as depression and anxiety are on the rise in our world today. As a christian, I also know that the stigma that goes along with this illness has not dissolved - in society or in the church. I pray that my story will somehow touch the heart of some soul that is struggling with depression and has been told by one too many people that God does not want them to take medication. Do I believe that everyone that goes through a low point in their lives need treatment? Definitely not; however - I do believe that there are situations whereby individuals are deeply suffering in a pit of depression and the lie that accepting treatment is showing a lack of faith in God is preventing them from receiving what they need to overcome.
I wonder what it would be like had God chosen not to allow me to walk through the valley of depression at all. I wonder where my relationship with him would be today. Can I say that for the past eight years life has been rosey and I've lived on the mountain, No! There have been times, while walking through the valleys of life, that the darkness of depression has creeped into my life once again. In those moments, I have cried out to God - and clung to the resources that are available to me that allow me to rise above the confines of my condition and live the life that he desires me to enjoy. One thing I do know for sure is that I will not allow the struggle and the battle that I fought be my defeat! Rather, I choose to bear this cross for His glory that I might be a vessel that He uses to speak to others who have walked or are currently walking this road and have lost hope in the possibility of a brighter day.
As I mentioned earlier, in the midst of my darkness there was always a word or a song that would come to me and offer hope of a brighter day to come. During this time, another dear friend of mine gave me a song by the Crabb Family that became a daily source of strength. I clung to the words of this song, believing that one day I could sing them victoriously and with the confidence of knowing that I had overcome. I am attaching this song, with hopes that it will do the same for some soul that is searching for something to hold onto. Listen to the words of this song and cling to the truth that in the midst of whatever storm you are facing in your life, you may not be able to fight it on your own - but friend I promise you - that Jesus Christ is able to do ALL that you can't!!
