Monday, November 28, 2011

Coming out of the Darkness




Hello Friends

Today I have decided to share the story of my journey with depression. Although not an easy story to share, I feel that to contain it would be an injustice to the One who carried me through, and a letting down of those who could use the confidence and reassurance of one who has been there. I know that many of you will not be able to relate to the feelings that I will describe here - but I also know that some will feel as though I am looking into the very fiber of their being, and touching on the deepest darkest secrets of their reality.

Depression is a very ugly condition, and until I walked the road,  I could never have comprehended the depths of this despair. However, I can say with confidence that there is hope for individuals that are struggling with this illness, and I hope that sharing my story, will speak into the heart of some soul that is longing for reprieve and offer the hope of light at the end of the darkest tunnel of their lives...

24 hrs after my son Riley was born, my life forever changed. I was tending to him, and preparing to lay down for the night when suddenly I began to feel extreme anxiety - to the point where I could no longer hold the baby and had to call for the nuse to come and get him. I spent the rest of that night rocking myself back and forth trying to overcome this fear that had gripped me with a force that I was unable to fight - it was one of the scariest moments of my life.

That night was the start of what led to a very deep and dark depression.
Something that I had never even imagined was possible. I had always thought that people who were depressed just simply couldn't deal with their problems and they needed to get over it. I soon learned that this was so far from the truth. I had many people tell me during that time that I simply needed to fight it and I would be better - but I couldn't fight it, because it was so much bigger than me.

For about two months I lived in constant fear and anxiety. I couldn't tend to my two children, I didn't want to get out of bed in the mornings, and I felt that no matter how hard I tried I was sinking deeper and deeper into a cold dark pit. I tried to explain it to my friends and family but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make them completely understand what I was going through - not because they didn't care but because unless you have been there you just cannot understand what it's like.


During that time, I cried out to God daily for deliverance from this awful place. I refused to take medication because I felt - and had had heard so many times - that starting a medication was like telling God that I didn't believe he had the power to take me out of this dark place. I did not want to have a "false sense of happiness" and although my family and closest friends supported me in my decision, it began to get to the point where they began to seriously fear for my health and well being.

For two months I carried on in this situation. I went to church every Sunday and believed with all of my heart that this would be the moment that he would take it from me, but yet in the night I would once again wake and shake for hours with the most extreme anxiety and fear. Not wanting to bother anyone, I would long for the daylight to come where there would at least be someone else awake to sit with me and bear me up in prayer. Some nights it was so bad that I did wake my husband, or call my parents or my pastor and beg them to pray for me. I can honestly say that the experience definitely brought me to a place where I was totally reliant upon God. I realized that I was unable to do anything on my own, and in my darkest moments - I felt his presence in a very real and powerful way. Always when I was at my darkest point I would have something happen - be it a phone call with a word of encouragement, a verse come to my mind , or a song that seemed to lay upon my heart that reminded me that God was near to my situation, he cared, and he was not going to leave me alone. I lived moment by moment on the strength that he was providing - yet I longed for this to be over.

My husband, at the time that this was happening, worked on a ship and would have to go away for two months at a time for work. The time came that he had to leave, and the panic just began to overtake me. I laid awake and literally shook through the first night that he was gone, then in the morning, I packed up my young family and went to my parents home so that I wouldn't be alone. While at their house, I began to sink deeper and deeper into the pit of my depression, until I resolved to myself that it was better for me to not be alive than to be living like this. I went for a walk alone that day, and in my irrational thinking, I stood on the rocks of a cliff and fought with everything that was in me not to jump. As much as I knew that this was the wrong thing to do - I also felt as if there was no other way out, and that my family and my children would be better off without me in the mess that I was currently in.

Somehow, I found the courage that day to walk away from that cliff - mainly because I felt that if I did what I was thinking to do, I would be letting down the people that loved me the most and they would be dissapointed in me - which I didn't want; and I knew that if I jumped I would spend an eternity in hell - which I still believed was even worse than the hell that I was currently living on earth. I believe it was only the grace of God that kept me from jumping that day. As I walked home, I battled within myself once again with the idea of starting medication. I didn't want to be faithless and give in when God was able to carry me through - but yet I knew that I couldn't carry on much longer in the mess that I was currently in.

When I got home that day, I knew that I was in a very scary place, and that I needed immediate deliverance. I called one of the ladies in my home church and asked her to alert the prayer team that there was a situation that needed desperate prayer. I didn't give her the details, and she didn't ask, but in a matter of a couple of hours, I felt that heaviness, and the desire to kill myself begin to lift, and I knew that God was intervening once again.

I'd like to say that at that moment I was instantly healed, but this was not the case. It seemed as though God was trying my faith, and proving to me that in every situation he was there with grace to bring me through. I was learning to be totally dependant on him to carry me through the situation.

Throughout this time, there were a few friends that I talked to and shared my most deepest darkest feelings. These dear friends prayed with me, believed with me, and cried out to God on my behalf when I didn't have the strength or the energy to do it myself. At the time, my best friend was living here in Fort McMurray, and knowing the awful place that I was in, she decided to come home for a few days to spend some time with me. This dear friend was also a nurse, and although she fully believed that God could take this depression from me - should he choose to, she also felt that I was at the place where medically I needed treatment for my current condition.
 
So my friend came to visit and she helped with the baby, she played with my two year old, she listened to my fears, she talked with my husband, she wrapped her arms around me during my panic attacks holding me so tightly that I was physically unable to shake - she literally did everything that she could possibly do to alleviate some of the strain of our situation. Then on the last day that she was with me, we went for a drive. I was so upset - and shared my frustration and exhaustion with having been living this nightmare for two months straight. I expressed my lack of understanding of why God was choosing not to take this from me when I was crying out with everything that was in me, and believing and waiting on him to do it. Knowing that she had little time left with me before going back home, my dear friend voiced the words that had been laying so strongly on her heart in the past two weeks since she had been with me. In that moment she looked at me and said "Tammy, as your friend I can totally understand why you have not gotten treatment for this, but as a nurse, I strongly believe that you need medication". She then went on to talk with me about the fact that if I had been dealing with a heart condition, or diabetes, I would have long since gotten treatment for my illness, and that in this situation it was no different. I was sick, and this sickness was totally debilitating not only myself but my family as well. She urged me to consider the fact that starting medication was not telling God that I didn't believe he was able to deliver me, it was admiting that I had an illness and the same God that made provision for the discovery of insulin also gave the medical wisdom for the invention of antidepressants. My God did not require that I suffer any longer when there were things out there that could help me be the person that I truly was, and enjoy the beautiful children that he had blessed me with.


I am so thankful for my friend's courage that day to speak the words to me that I did not want to hear, but so desperately needed. The next day I went and filled the prescription that my doctor had given me a month before but I had refused to take, and in a short time I began to feel better. It was as if the darkness was beginning to fade away, then suddenly one day I woke up and noticed that the sun was shining - and I realized that I hadn't noticed the sun in a very long time. At that moment, I realized that I had not given up on God or submitted to my weakness or failure by accepting treatment for my condition - I was simply accepting the provision that was made available for me through the miraculous invention of medicine.


I'll never know exactly why God chose not to give me immediate deliverance from my depression. But I believe in my heart, that it was to bring a message to people in this world who have too long believed that seeking treatment for this illness is admitting a lack of faith in God's delivering power. I also know that had I been immediately healed, I would not have learned to lean on him in the way that I did when the darkness was overwhelming me and there was no other place to look but up to him for the strength to get me through the moment.

As a nurse, I am aware that illnesses such as depression and anxiety are on the rise in our world today. As a christian, I also know that the stigma that goes along with this illness has not dissolved - in society or in the church. I pray that my story will somehow touch the heart of some soul that is struggling with depression and has been told by one too many people that God does not want them to take medication. Do I believe that everyone that goes through a low point in their lives need treatment? Definitely not; however - I do believe that there are situations whereby individuals are deeply suffering in a pit of depression and the lie that accepting treatment is showing a lack of faith in God is preventing them from receiving what they need to overcome.

I wonder what it would be like had God chosen not to allow me to walk through the valley of depression at all. I wonder where my relationship with him would be today.  Can I say that for the past eight years life has been rosey and I've lived on the mountain, No! There have been times, while walking through the valleys of life, that the darkness of depression has creeped into my life once again. In those moments, I have cried out to God - and clung to the resources that are available to me that allow me to rise above the confines of my condition and live the life that he desires me to enjoy. One thing I do know for sure is that I will not allow the struggle and the battle that I fought be my defeat! Rather, I choose to bear this cross for His glory that I might be a vessel that He uses to speak to others who have walked or are currently walking this road and have lost hope in the possibility of a brighter day.

As I mentioned earlier, in the midst of my darkness there was always a word or a song that would come to me and offer hope of a brighter day to come. During this time, another dear friend of mine gave me a song by the Crabb Family that became a daily source of strength. I clung to the words of this song, believing that one day I could sing them victoriously and with the confidence of knowing that I had overcome. I am attaching this song, with hopes that it will do the same for some soul that is searching for something to hold onto. Listen to the words of this song and cling to the truth that in the midst of whatever storm you are facing in your life, you may not be able to fight it on your own - but friend I promise you - that Jesus Christ is able to do ALL that you can't!!


Sunday, October 09, 2011

Blessed to Be a Blessing

One of my favorite children's cartoons is "The Berenstain Bears". I’ve always loved the predicaments that Brother and Sister Bear (as well as Papa Bear) get themselves into. Even more so, I love the lessons that are taught in every episode. I have to admit that I’ve learned a few good lessons for myself from this childhood cartoon!

One of the episodes that I thoroughly enjoyed was when Brother and Sister had a terrible case of “the Galloping Gimmies” :)

In this episode... "Brother and Sister Bear want everything in sight, and they throw tantrums when they don't get what they want. Wisely Mama and Papa deal with this childhood malady by teaching the cubs about the family budget and the importance of appreciating all that they have already." (Inside flap of the Paperback text)

Aren't Brother and Sister’s attitudes much like our own so many times. More often than not I have had my own case of the Galloping Gimmies! It seems as if no matter how much I have, I am always wanting more! For myself – more clothing, more purses, more SHOES; For my children - more clothing, more toys, more games, and of course...more money to buy it all with! Ugh – I’ve exhausted myself just thinking about it!

In discussing the Thanksgiving holiday with my co-workers this past week our conversation led to the tradition of Black Friday. For those of you that weren't aware, Black Friday is the day following the United States Thanksgiving holiday. It is considered to be one of the busiest shopping days of the year. I know, I know, many of you women have - like me - had visions of Black Friday shopping sprees dance in your heads on more than one occasion. Especially when hearing of the glorious sales that are offered by our most prized vendors.

Our Black Friday discussion this past week, however, did not leave me with the strong desire to cross the border for the upcoming shopping celebrations. And when I got home, I decided to do some research on this coveted day - only to discover these shocking truths...(taken from Wikipedia!!)

  • In 2006, a man in Roanoke, Virginia shopping at Best Buy was recorded on video assaulting another shopper. Unruly Wal-Mart shoppers at a store outside Columbus, Ohio, quickly flooded in the doors at opening, pinning several employees against stacks of merchandise. Nine shoppers in a California mall were injured, including an elderly woman who had to be taken to the hospital, when the crowd rushed to grab gift certificates that had been released from the ceiling.
  • In 2008 a crowd of approximately 2,000 shoppers in Valley Stream, New York, waited outside for the 5:00 a.m. opening of the local Wal-Mart. As opening time approached the crowd grew anxious and when the doors were opened the crowd pushed forward, breaking the door down, and trampling a 34 year old employee to death. The shoppers did not appear concerned with the victim's fate, expressing refusal to halt their stampede when other employees attempted to intervene and help the injured employee, complaining that they had been waiting in the cold and were not willing to wait any longer. Shoppers had begun assembling as early as 9:00 the evening before. Even when police arrived and attempted to render aid to the injured man, shoppers continued to pour in, shoving and pushing the officer as they made their way into the store. Several other people incurred minor injuries, including a pregnant woman who had to be taken to the hospital.
  • During Black Friday 2010, a Madison, Wisconsin woman was arrested outside of a Toys 'R' Us store after cutting in line, and threatening to shoot other shoppers who tried to object. A Toys for Tots volunteer in Georgia was stabbed by a shoplifter. An Indianapolis woman was arrested after causing a disturbance by arguing with other Wal-Mart shoppers. She had been asked to leave the store, but refused. A man was arrested at a Florida Wal-Mart when other shoppers waiting in line for the store to open noticed that he was carrying a handgun and reported the matter to police. He was discovered to also be carrying two knives and a pepper spray grenade. A man in Buffalo, New York, was trampled when doors opened at a Target store and unruly shoppers rushed in, in an episode reminiscent of the deadly 2008 Wal-Mart stampede. 
Talk about the Galloping Gimmies!! How awful to consider this behaviour on the day following Thanksgiving; a holiday that calls us to pause from the craziness that has become our everyday lives and to ponder the blessings that have been so graciously bestowed upon us and our families. In simple truths - one day totally contravenes the other. The beauty of the holiday becomes tainted by the behaviour that follows on the next day.

In Luke 12:48 Jesus said...
"For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall much be required". (KJV)

In the words of Charles Stanley, “Jesus does not give us gifts, talents, and resources merely to spend them on ourselves. He gives them to us so that we will use them to expand His kingdom and to meet the needs of others." (Life Principle’s Bible) In other words, we have been "Blessed to Be a Blessing"!

In the midst of the chaos of our world, and the attitudes that are so markedly portrayed on Black Friday - there are still those whose lives exemplify the kind of behaviour that Charles Stanley speaks about. Just in my own circle of family and friends I can think of a number of people that would fit this description. I consider my mother, and her ever giving nature, her love for bringing others enjoyment through the warmth of a home cooked meal. I think of my one friend who takes regular medical mission trips to places such as Africa and Haiti, sharing her nursing skills and her kind-hearted spirit with those who potentially have little hope of even seeing tomorrow. I think of another dear friend who goes out of her way to do thoughtful little gestures for those that she holds near and dear to her heart, as well as those that she barely knows at all... And my list could go on! These are the people that are true examples of Thanksgiving in it's living form.

On this Thanksgiving holiday, I am forced to consider how often my own actions reflect a true heart of thanksgiving for the many wonders that God has chosen to bless me with - despite my undeserving attitude or behaviour. I pause and reflect on the fact that I have been “Blessed to be a Blessing”. I am so thankful for the many blessings that surround me, and I pray that I will never lose sight of the fact that God has given me all of these that I might choose to bless someone else.

I hope you will enjoy the video that I am attaching. It is my oldest daughter - Jessica in 2009 (age 8 at the time) at our church's Children’s Christmas Cantata singing a song entitled “Blessed to Be a Blessing”. I pray that it will bless your heart this Thanksgiving day, and that in return, you too will choose to bless someone!

Tammy

Follow this link for the video...http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1OJIkMZtag

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Promises


As a child, I remember in our Sunday School, we would break apart after the opening choruses and go to our individual classrooms where we would review our bible story and practice our memory verses. At the end of the session we would once again gather together as a group and each class would take turns reciting their memory verses for the week.

For those of us that grew up in Sunday School, I’m sure you can still remember the many verses that were so often repeated…as adults we tag them with a new name and call them “promises”, verses such as…


“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths”
Proverbs 3:5-6
 
“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”
Jeremiah 29:11

“Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you”
Matthew 6:33
 
 
It’s funny how sometimes, especially for those of us that have grown up with the Gospel, we can recite those words without ever having considered what they really mean. How many “promises” have we come to know without ever truly grasping the actual promise within the “promise”? I mean really, how much money would one pay these days to have someone lay out a life plan for them, to counsel them on the path to take for their lives, to offer peace in the midst of trouble, and clarity in the midst of confusion?
 
In essence, what God is really saying to us through his word is “My children, I created you, I know what is best for you, I have the most beautiful plans for your life – just trust me, I’ve got it all taken care of”.

I’ve often wondered where my life would be right now if I had “Trusted the Lord with ALL my heart, and leaned NOT on MY OWN understanding”, if I had “Sought FIRST the Kingdom of God” and “In ALL my ways acknowledged HIM”. Unfortunately, too often I have chosen to take my own path, or better yet – I have "Trusted the Lord with SOME of my heart" and "Leaned TOO HEAVILY on MY OWN understanding".

What I’ve learned, however, is that I’m not that great on my own. I’m weak and I tend to mess up royally!! But then, in the midst of my mistakes – when I come to realize that once again I have failed, when I feel I have fallen too far to ever get back up - I remember yet again another “promise” and His words speak softly to my heart …

                “My Grace is sufficient for thee, for my strength is made perfect in weakness"
2 Corinthians 12:9

Oh, what a promise! When we have come to the end of ourselves, have used up all of our own strength and made a total complete mess of what could have been a beautiful life, God is there, willing and waiting to take us into his arms, help us pick up the broken pieces and start over.

Why I ever believed that I in my human weakness could blaze a path for myself that would compare to one that was orchestrated by the same hands that set the stars in place, caused the sun to rise, and breathed life into my very being, I cannot tell you! But one thing for sure – I am so grateful that His mercies are never ending and His marvelous grace covers ME! Do I deserve it? Never. Have I earned it? Not in a million years. Do I have to clean myself up before I come? Not even a bit. He takes me as I am, no matter the mess I bring with me - and loves me through it all! I love the words of Phillip Yancey in his book “What's so Amazing About Grace” when he states “Grace comes free of charge to people who do not deserve it and I am one of those people”. No wonder the hymn writer called it “Amazing Grace”!

I attended the Breakforth Conference in Edmonton last year, and was so touched by the words of this song. It talks of coming to God as we are. What joy to know that we can come as we are – in all of our brokenness and he will make us new…

Come As You Are
 

He’s not mad at you. He’s not disappointed. 
His grace is greater still, than all of your wrong choices.
He is full of mercy. He is ever kind.
Hear his invitation. His arms are open wide.

You can come as you are
With all your broken pieces
And all your shameful scars
The pain you hold in your heart
Bring it all to Jesus
You can come as you are

Louder than the voice, that whispers you’re unworthy
Hear the sound of love that tells a different story
Shattering your darkness and pushing through the lies
How tenderly He calls you. His arms are open wide.

Artists: Pocket Full of Rocks



 That, my friends, is love in its finest form. I hope these words will do for you what they did for me when I heard them. And I pray that if and when life finds you in a place of brokenness and scars, you too will come as you are. He will be there to meet you – I guarantee you he will – It’s a promise!

“For I will never leave you nor forsake you”
Joshua 1:5

Monday, May 23, 2011

Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie...


Hello and welcome to my new blog...


What is a blog??


a blog is a website that contains an online personal journal with reflections, comments, and often hyperlinks provided by the writer (Mirriam-Webster)


For those of you that know me, you know that I love to read, and I love to write!


In March of this year I took a trip back home to visit my parents. It was so nice to rest in the comfort and relaxation of home. While I did do some visiting, the better portion of this trip was spent lazing around in my parent's home doing nothing but read and enjoy my mother's cooking!
Ahhh...mother's cooking!! What a wonderful thought! Prior to my trip I dreamed of the meals that she would prepare for me while I was there. My mouth watered as images of Cream puffs and Strawberry -Rhubarb Pie danced around in my head!

When I think of my mother I always picture her in the kitchen. As a child, growing up, there was always an abundance of baked goods in our home. My mother's gift is certainly found in blessing others with food. I will never forget the meals that she would prepare, the pies that she would bake and take to friends or acquaintances that were perhaps ill or recovering from surgery, or had lost a loved one. I have always admired her selfless, giving nature. My friends have also come to love her for her skillful art in the kitchen, and while they welcome my visits, I believe they welcome her pies even more!!

Unfortunately, I was not blessed with this same passion for the kitchen!! Although I do enjoy baking at Christmas time, baking muffins with my children, and preparing meals for friends every now and then, it is common knowledge that I would much rather be curled up with a good book than puttering away in the kitchen...

Well, I have to say that over the course of this year, I have been thankful for my love of books. It has been within the pages of some wonderful books that I have found the wisdom and encouragement to carry on through some of the darkest hours of my life. I have learned so much about life and love, grief and pain, purpose and finding God in the midst of the crisis in our lives.

So I thought to myself, what can I do with this endless abundance of information? These golden nuggets of truth that have helped to set me free from so much pain and hurt? That's when the idea of Soul Food was birthed!

Sometimes the struggles of this life will get us down, will bring us to the point where we are tired and empty, our souls are parched and dry. How do I know this? Because I've been there...and in each trial, I have proven that when I have placed my trust in God's unfailing provision, He has provided me the strength to persevere - the spiritual food that was needed for my starving soul!

So my prayer for this blog is to simply offer nuggets of golden promise to some soul that is starving and in need of nourishment and refreshment. I know that to some people books can seem a little overwhelming, especially on days when the thought of getting up in the morning is a task that seems too difficult to conquer...but maybe a couple of key paragraphs, or perhaps one simple sentence will be the words you need to change the outcome of your day. Perhaps a warm piece of Strawberry-Rhubarb pie for your soul :)

How often will I blog...well, I do NOT want to set myself up for failure from the start!! So no promises there, just as often as I am drawn to something that I feel led to share...

I will leave you with this encouraging truth; No matter what your situation, No matter what life has placed in your path, our Heavenly Father really is the great "I Am", and He will be what it takes to meet your every need!

A reminder from the Prophet Elijah's life, that no matter who we are or what we have come from or accomplished, we all face times when we reach the end of ourselves, and that God is faithful in these times to meet our needs...

...He came to a broom bush, sat down under it and prayed that he might die. “I have had enough, LORD,” he said. “Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors.” 5 Then he lay down under the bush and fell asleep.
   All at once an angel touched him and said, “Get up and eat.” 6 He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water. He ate and drank and then lay down again.
 7 The angel of the LORD came back a second time and touched him and said, “Get up and eat, for the journey is too much for you.” 8 So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God. 9 There he went into a cave and spent the night. 1 Kings 19:4-9
Blessings to you my friends...I look forward to journeying with you in the days to come!!


Tammy :)